A letter to my son on his first birthday

Not a day of your life has gone by that I haven't held you in my arms

Sweet boy,

Not a day of your life has gone by that I haven't held you in my arms, fed you with my body, helped you to sleep, changed your diaper, answered when you cried (and you have cried every day, but don't feel bad. Nothing could be more natural).

Every day, I have watched you bloom into the human you're becoming, at once slow like the heave of the ocean and fast like the dart of a falling star. I have watched you wiggle, then roll, then stand, then crawl, and now walk, longing to touch as much of the world as you can. Your finger is perpetually stretched out, seeking contact.

You are kind, dear boy. You love to snuggle and read books and explore crevices in the sidewalk and worship dogs as they pass, hand down so they can sniff you. You have trained me to listen for the din of an airplane so we can excitedly run outside, fingers wheeling, searching the skies for that rigid bird.

You have made mealtimes messy and sometimes fraught and other times joyful as you and your father mimic each other in conversation back and forth, which makes you laugh, which makes me wince because there's food in your mouth. I try and capture it on camera, but the magic dies the moment I pull out a phone, so we commit it to cellular memory.

You have struggled to sleep, my child, and oh, how hard it has been for us all. And yet, I cherish holding you in the night, your body heavy and trusting. You won't be small forever. My arms know it as they circle you. Your dad used to cry every time he set you down for a nap. I feel it too--the exquisite anguish remembering our bodies are separate.

We don't know much, my love, but we're making our way regardless. Parents are born through their attempts, their mistakes, their questioning. It is the privilege of a lifetime, figuring it out, forgiving ourselves when we can't and continuing to show up with our hearts cradled in our hands. An offering for you. All for you.

One year of you. One year of a new orbit. One year of everything changing. One year of birth, for us all, and our fledgling steps together as we learn this new shape of a family.

We still can't believe you chose us, our sweet, adventurous, tender, goofy, beautiful, smart boy. The size of our love is beyond words. It fills galaxies: we love you, we love you, WE LOVE YOU!

Happy first birthday, darling. May there be many, many more, together.

Love,

Mom